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Saturday, April 01, 2017

USTA, ATP, & WTA announce Ace Maccioli as new Player Personality Director

The United States Tennis Association (USTA), the Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP), and the Women's Tennis Association (WTA) today jointly announced the appointment of Frank "Ace" Maccioli  to the new position of Player Personality Director.

Frank "Ace" Maccioli
Photo © F.J. Maccioli

The new position is a result of extensive surveys into the cause of declining fan interest in professional tennis. The polls, to a one, determined that the single most influential turn-off to tennis fans is the lack of colorful tennis personalities who exhibit bad behaviour, profane ("colorful") speech, obnoxiousness, and what many refer to as a "Jimmy Connors/John McEnroe/Ilie Nastase" approach to tennis decorum on the court.

In an effort to ensure objectivity, the polls were conducted by several notable polling organizations, all of whom came to the same conclusion and recommendations. The companies contracted were:

Gallup, Marist Institute for Public Opinion, Monmouth University Polling Institute, Harris Interactive, and SurveyMonkey.

Said USTA CEO Katrina Adams, "Our sport depends upon maintaining and growing an enthusiastic fan base. Recent years have seen our tournaments dominated by bland, blasé, "cookie-cutter" tennis stars who all exhibit the personality of a rock. We decided we needed to change that and after researching our USTA membership rolls, we discovered the perfect person to effect those changes in Frank."

Added Chris Kermode, Executive Chairman and Director ot the ATP, "We thought when we named the notorious Justin Gimelstob as an ATP Player Representative a couple of years ago that he would provide a similar impact. However, the polling clearly showed we needed someone who could offend everyone and Mr. Maccioli's name just kept bubbling to the top of the list.

Speaking on behalf of the WTA, tennis legend Billie Jean King said, "I've played a lot of assholes in my day, and when I did, those matches were extremely popular with our crowds. I think "Ace" is our best chance at bringing the asshole-ishness out of our young players, both men and women."

Although he never played for his college tennis team nor was he ever a touring tennis pro, Maccioli has over 50 years of tennis playing experience, including sanctioned and non-sanctioned individual, team, and USTA league events. More importantly, he has been threatened with suspension several times by USTA Team tennis officials for dropping f-bombs during USTA events in which he was a competitor.

Adams added, "We were all assuming that we would ask John (McEnroe) or Jimmy (Connors) to accept the new position, but, we all kept coming back to Frank. I think he is going to put tennis back on the map in this country and the world."

Even President Donald Trump chipped in saying, "Ace is going to make tennis great again! If nothing else, he will be vying for my title as the biggest asshole in the world!"

When asked for a comment, Mr. Maccioli said that although he has been a retired old-fart for almost 11 years, he looks forward to his new job. "I hope that soon we will have at least 3 or 4 players, possibly more, who will be dropping f-bombs, cussing, swearing, and threatening to punch out their opponents within the next 2 years, hopefully sooner. All it takes is passion and dedication to this great sport of a lifetime. I'm happy and humbled that the USTA, ATP, and WTA have selected me for this new position and will do my darnedest, excuse me, my damnedest, to justify their decision."

Responding to a question as to whether he was the right choice and if the tennis world really needs a Player Personality Director that encourages bad behaviour on the court, Maccioli tersely responded, "You bet your sweet ass I am! Fuck'em if they can't take a joke! Besides, I've got a hot young wife to take care of!"

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