Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Are You a Perv?


Another friend of mine sent me this - what can I say, half my friend's minds are in the gutter and the others are on their way down! ANyway, it helps if you make the picture bigger.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PICTURE :
WHAT DO YOU SEE?

THEN CHECK THE EXPLANATION THAT FOLLOWS!


You saw a couple in an intimate pose, right?



Interestingly, research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such a scenario. What they will see, however, is the nine dolphins in the picture!

So, I guess we've already proven you're not a young innocent child.

Now, if it's hard for you to find the dolphins within 6 seconds, your mind SO corrupted that YOU probably need help!

OK, here's help: Look at the space between her right arm and her head, the tail is on her neck, follow it up. Look at her left hip, follow the shaded part down, it's another one, and on his shoulder..


OH, SURE , you see them NOW - PERVERT!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Dog Doo II


OK - some of you folks already know I have a Golden Retriever.

What you don't know is it's probably the only Golden Retriever in the world that doesn't actually "RETRIEVE" anything!

So, ol' Ace, retired you know, with all this time on his hands, decides he's gonna teach his old dog a new trick - retrieving.

But after months and months of trying, all I can get the damn dog to do is come to me when I PICK UP the paper, then, open its mouth and grab the paper from my hand and take it into the house.

Well, it's better than nothing right?

So, we've been doing this for a few weeks now. The dog actually looks forward to going out into the front yard and waiting for me to hand her the morning paper so that she can carry it into the house and hand it back to me.

Now - some further background - my dog does her business - pooping, peeing, throwing up, etc. - in our backyard. Before I take her anywhere, I always send her in the backyard first, so, you know, I don't have to manicure my neighbor's yard. Right?

OK - so today we go out the front door, after she's supposedly done her business in the backyard, to pick up the morning paper.

I pick up the paper, I call for the dog. Hmmmm - she's busy peeing on my front yard. Well, that's ok, it's only pee. I call her again, slap the paper against my thigh, and she comes running and snaps the paper out of my hands.

But then, INSTEAD OF HEADING FOR THE FRONT DOOR, she goes back onto the front lawn, doing her little "circling,circling, circling, gee, I gotta take a dump, dance".

Then to my horror, and despite my screaming "STOP, NO, WAIT, STOP, NO!!!!!!!," she drops the paper, takes 4 more steps forward, then proceeds to drop a massive, steaming load of dog doo on, not my lawn, BUT MY MORNING NEWSPAPER!!!!!!!!!!!

Geezuz - I know she did that on purpose!

DID YOU KNOW?

A friend sent me the following link. I don't usually bother to pass these on, but, this one was kinda cool (plus, it has music from one of my favorite films - let me know if you know which one).

Anyway, if ya got a few minutes, it's worth watching:

http://www.newportharbor.us/shift.htm

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

The Cost of the War in Iraq - What else could have been done with the money?

OK - time to stir things up - right wingers vs lefties - let's see what trouble I can cause. Things have been pretty boring lately.

I found this really interesting site on the net:

http://www.nationalpriorities.org/costofwar_home

It provides a continuous, running estimate of the money being spent on the war in iraq. It also shows the cost broken down locally, as well as providing a tool that shows upon what else the money could have been spent, e.g., elementary school teachers, police, etc.

Here is a sample, just for Bakersfield, CA:

Taxpayers in Bakersfield, California will pay $409.1 million for total Iraq war spending approved to date. For the same amount of money, the following could have been provided:
168,368 People with Health Care for One Year OR
728,863 Homes with Renewable Electricity for One Year OR
7,308 Public Safety Officers for One year OR
5,779 Music and Arts Teachers for One Year OR
61,477 Scholarships for University Students for One Year OR
1,224 Affordable Housing Units OR
152,914 Children with Health Care for One Year OR
48,932 Head Start Places for Children for One Year OR
5,875 Elementary School Teachers for One Year OR
5,167 Port Container Inspectors for One year

Notes and Sources
Go to Cost of War Counter


Copyright 2007 National Priorities Project
info@nationalpriorities.org

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Ace and His "Little" Swimming Pool Project


(This is a long post, so, skip it unless you feel like torturing yourself.)

OK - these things seem to happen to me a lot, so, I should have seen this coming...

But...

NEVER seeing these things coming ALSO happens to me a lot!

I have this 12 yr old, L-shaped swimming pool. For the last 2 years, I've grown increasingly annoyed at 3 little worn out spots on the bottom - penny to half dollar sized spots where the white paint has worn thru to the brown gunite.

So, having had enough, I figure I'm gonna get some touch up paint and fix it. Make it look real pretty again. SImple enough plan, right?

But wait - I have to drain the pool to do it first. OK - thats understandable - but the rental for the drain pump and hose costs $75. Hmmmm - ok, I can understand that. So, next, I go to the swimming pool supplies store for some paint. I figure all I need is a little bit, maybe a pint, just for some touch-up.

"Sorry sir, the smallest can we have is 1 gallon."

Hmmmm - well, ok, I need the paint, and all the other stores say the same thing, so, I say ok and ask for a gallon of white pool paint.

"That will be $78 plus tax."

WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Seventy-eight frigging dollars!!! For a GALLON???????

Oh man - this is starting to get me mad. But what am I gonna do? So I get out the plastic and shell out some more bucks. Then I pick up some rollers, some brushes, etc.

I drop the pump into the pool and start pumping. I go into the house and start watching the news. Miles Musio comes on and says, "Ladies and Gentleman, we are going to have unusually warm weather for Bakersfield the next few days for this time of year. Expect temperatures approaching 100 degrees or more!"

Crap - talk about bad timing. But, I already paid for the pump, so what am I gonna do?

8 hours or so later I stop the pump. Haven't drained the whole pool - just 1/2 of the " L " - to expose the shallow end where the bare spots are. So then I acid etch the spots, rinse, clean it with TSP, rinse again, then go wait another couple hours for everything to dry out.

Meanwhile, it gets hotter and hotter and I'm thinking, "Man, that water would sure have been nice - maybe I should've just waited another few months?"

Now, my teenage daughter enters the picture. My teenage daughter, who thinks she's 25, who suddenly knows everything, the one who never tells me anything until 5 minutes before it's supposed to happen. The one who hasn't used the pool at all in over 2 years because suddenly it had become "uncool" for her to get a suntan or go swimming.

She goes, "Daddy, my friends are coming over to go swimming today, is that ok?"

Geezuz, wtf - where did this come from? So I tell her no, I've drained the pool, I can't fill it for a couple of days, she goes ballistic, starts calling me every bad name in the book, tells me I've ruined her life and she hates me, etc. , etc. I think you parents get the picture.

So, finally, after all this and a couple more hours pass, I decide to start painting. I get out a brush and fill in the 3 bare spots. I look at it - then say, well, I can still see the brush marks, I better use a roller. So I get a roller, and roll out an area somewhat bigger than the original bare spots. Then I notice a few other areas where the old paint looks thin and is about to show through, so I roll over those spots too.

This goes on for another 45 minutes or so. Meanwhile, I'm crouching in the middle of this white concrete box of a pool, going blind from all the reflected white light, with the midday heat bouncing off the walls and cooking me like a hamburger on a grill. I get done, stand up, sweat dripping off of me, and look around at what I've done.

Hmmmm - my bare spots are covered, but now I have two rather large, irregularly shaped areas of bright white, with various white streak marks, sitting in the middle of some older, faded white paint.

"Man, this is gonna look like crap when I fill the pool! This is gonna look worse than the bare spots!"

So, I decide I'm gonna have to paint the whole pool. But wait, I can't - I already returned the pump, and half the pool still has water in it.

Hmmmm - so I decide I'll just paint the shallow end. I spend a couple of hours doing that. I tape off the point where the deeper end of the pool starts, so, even if you can see the different shade of white, it will look like I'm marking off the deep end. Smart right? So I wait 4 hours for the 1st coat to dry, then I apply a second coat. I just barely have enough to finish. I let it cure overnight. I failed to notice the small print on the can that said I was supposed to dilute the first coat with 10% water before applying the 2nd coat. Oh well, I managed to get it done ok I thought.

The next day, I go out to check on it - looks great. I start walking on it on my bare feet. I start walking down the slope, and I slip and almost fall on my ass! WTF - the paint dried to a slippery finish! Someone is gonna slip on my pool steps and sue my ass!!!!, what am I gonna do?

So I go to Home Depot - they sell me some gritty material to mix with my paint. But, I hardly have any left!!!! All that is left in the can is some wet spots on the inside of the can. So, I add some water, start scraping the sides, shaking the can, stirring, I seem to get a not too watery albeit small volume of paint. I mix in the powdered grit, and go back into the pool furnace to finish the job. I have just enough to cover the steps and the worst part of the slope. But now I gotta wait another 48 hours curing time before I can fill the pool - that pushes me to Sunday.

My kid comes up and says - "Is the pool done yet - we want to go swimming today?" I tell her no, it's gonna be another 2 days, she explodes. The neighbors start peering over the fence to see what's going on. My dog starts barking. I'm biting my tongue and trying to avoid saying anything I'll regret.

Next time, forget the paint - I'm just gonna tell folks I planned for those spots to be there - for character.

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Friday, May 02, 2008

More X-rated Wienerschnitzel

Due to popular demand and the wonders of the internet, I bring you, the new, the infamous, the raunchy, the controversial, "Woman Grabs the Weenie" commercial!!!

Here it is - enjoy!

http://www.wienerschnitzel....

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Almost X-Rated Wienerschnitzel Commercial!

OMG - I just saw the funniest commercial on TNT after the NBA game.

It was a Weinerschnitzel commercial of all things.

This woman is chasing that animated Wienerschnitzel hot dog. It runs into a house, then into a bedroom, with her close behind. It jumps onto a bed then under the covers where a man is asleep.

The woman sticks her hand under the covers, TOWARDS THE MAN'S CROTCH!, reaching for the weinerschnitzel hot dog.

The woman shouts victoriously, "Gotcha!!!!"

The hot dog pops up in another part of the room and screams.

The man in bed wakes up, looks at the woman, a big smile growing on his face and says, "Well, Hello-o-o-o there!"

The woman screams.

Geezuz - I haven't laughed that hard at a commercial in years, not since that commercial in the bowling alley where the gorgeous women are making fun of the nerdy looking guy, until he puts his size 15 feet up on the table and a horse whinnies in the background.

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Friday, April 25, 2008

JAZZ, JAZZ, AND MORE JAZZ - THE BAKERSFIELD JAZZ WORKSHOP


OK - most of you peeps who know me, know that I like tennis, sports cars, and jazz.. (Well, I like fast women too, but that's a different subject for a future post!)

Anyway, I have had the GREAT fortune of meeting some of the area's finest jazz musicians. And being the squirrely pest I can be at times, I hope to make the acquaintance of more.

And for all of you other jazz fans out there, so can you!

Every Tuesday night at The Nile Theater in Bakersfield, The Bakersfield Jazz Workshop provides thrills and chills. If you are:

a) an aspiring musician and want to learn from the pros, or,

b) an accomplished one and just want to freshen up your chops, or,

c) if you are simply an untalented bum like me who just wants to listen to great music, then this is the place to be!

Here's a link to their myspace site.

http://profile.myspace.com/...

The best part about it, is, it's FREE!!!!!!!

(donations accepted of course!)

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